Managing Relationships with People Who Don’t Share Your Values: A Thoughtful Approach

Relationships are the foundation of collaboration and growth in any community—whether it’s a Montessori school, a workplace, or a family. But what happens when you find yourself working with someone who doesn’t share your values? Perhaps they have a different approach to leadership, a contrasting view on classroom management, or a conflicting perspective on social responsibility. These situations can feel challenging, even frustrating, but they also present an opportunity for growth, understanding, and meaningful dialogue. The key lies in how you think about these relationships, how you respond to differences, and how you move forward in a way that supports shared goals.

How to Think About Differences in Values

When faced with someone who doesn’t share your values, it’s important to approach the situation with curiosity and empathy rather than judgment or defensiveness. Here are some ways to reframe your thinking:

Recognize the Humanity in Everyone: Every person has a unique background, experiences, and perspectives that shape their values. Instead of seeing differences as a barrier, try to understand the story behind their beliefs.
Separate the Person from the Behavior: It’s possible to disagree with someone’s actions or decisions without labeling them as “wrong” or “bad.” Focus on the behavior or issue at hand rather than making it personal. This is one of the most challenging parts, particularly considering today’s climate.
Embrace a Growth Mindset: Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset reminds us that people can change and grow. Approach the relationship with the belief that understanding and collaboration are possible, even if they don’t happen immediately. Also, big change isn’t what you want to be expecting. Any change is a move in the right direction, and your job is to be looking at the long game.
Acknowledge Your Own Biases: We all have blind spots. Reflect on how your own values and experiences might be shaping your perspective and consider whether there’s room for flexibility or compromise.

By shifting your mindset, you create space for dialogue and connection, even in the face of differences.

How to Respond to Differences in Values

Once you’ve reframed your thinking, the next step is to respond in a way that fosters understanding and collaboration. Here are some strategies for navigating these conversations:

Seek Common Ground: Even when values differ, there are often shared goals or priorities that can serve as a foundation for collaboration. For example, even in our schools, everyone is likely committed to serving children and fostering their growth. Focus on these shared objectives as a starting point.
Practice Active Listening: When discussing differences, listen more than you speak. Ask open-ended questions to understand the other person’s perspective, and reflect back what you hear to show that you’re truly engaged. Reflecting back also helps you and the other person know if you understand what they said.
Use “I” Statements: When expressing your own values or concerns, frame them in terms of your own experience rather than making generalizations or accusations. For example, say, “I feel strongly about creating an inclusive environment because…” instead of, “You don’t care about inclusion.”

How to Support Work Moving Forward

Once you’ve established a foundation of understanding, the next step is to find ways to work together effectively. Here’s how to move forward:

Clarify Shared Goals: Identify the outcomes you both want to achieve and focus on how you can work together to reach them. For example, if you’re working with a colleague who has a different approach to classroom support, agree on the ultimate goal of creating a peaceful, productive learning environment.
Define Boundaries and Expectations: Be clear about what’s non-negotiable for you and where there’s room for flexibility. For example, you might say, “I’m committed to using Montessori practices in the classroom, but I’m open to discussing how we can adapt our responses for children who need something else to support their needs.”
Collaborate on Solutions: Work together to brainstorm solutions that honor both of your values. This might involve compromise, creativity, or finding a third way that neither of you had considered.
Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate small wins along the way. This builds trust and reinforces the idea that collaboration is possible, even when values differ.

When to Invite Someone Else In

Despite your best efforts, there may be times when you’re unable to resolve differences on your own. In these situations, it’s important to recognize when to bring in a neutral third party, such as a coach or mediator, to support the conversation. Here are some signs that it’s time to seek outside help:

The Conversation Feels Stuck: If you’ve tried multiple times to find common ground but keep hitting the same roadblocks, a coach or mediator can help facilitate a more productive dialogue.
Emotions Are Running High: If the conversation has become emotionally charged or personal, a neutral third party can help de-escalate tensions and create a safe space for discussion.
The Stakes Are High: If the disagreement is impacting the well-being of children, the school community, or the organization’s mission, it’s essential to bring in someone who can help navigate the situation with care and expertise.
You Need an Outside Perspective: Sometimes, an outside perspective can shed new light on the situation and help both parties see things differently.

The Importance of Finding Common Ground

At the heart of managing relationships with people who don’t share your values is the ability to find common ground. This doesn’t mean abandoning your own values or compromising your principles. Rather, it’s about recognizing that collaboration is possible when we focus on shared goals and mutual respect. In a Montessori context, this might mean coming together to serve children, create a peaceful environment, or uphold the mission of the school.

When we approach differences with curiosity, empathy, and a commitment to understanding, we create the conditions for meaningful dialogue and collaboration. And when we invite others—like coaches or mediators—to support these conversations, we demonstrate a commitment to growth and resolution.

A Call to Action: Embrace the Challenge

Managing relationships with people who don’t share your values is not easy, but it’s a challenge worth embracing. These relationships push us to grow, to reflect, and to find creative solutions. They remind us that diversity of thought and perspective can be a strength, not a weakness. Let’s embrace the challenge together. Let’s approach differences with curiosity and compassion. And let’s work toward a future where even those who don’t share our values can become partners in creating a more peaceful, inclusive world.